I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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