i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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