I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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