I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
