My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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