Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
