The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
