i think my mom watched the whole time
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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