my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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