Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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