so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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