Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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