You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
