i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
