Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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