Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We left the knife in your bed.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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