Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
