my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
