Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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