hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
