So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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