all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
