I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
