I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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