I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
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I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
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Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She needs sedatives and a leash
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize