what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
