A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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