I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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