I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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