A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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