after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
