but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize