I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
