I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
