Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
