I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
