Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
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Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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