sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
And then he peed in my hair
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