I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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