how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
