I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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