Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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