hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
