i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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