I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
