i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
