I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
