I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Everyone says I win the strip club
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
