Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
