I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
All I want is dick and wine.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
