I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
