I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
