Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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