Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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