I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
