I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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