I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Randomize
