We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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