True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
